“How We Knew” – the full story
The pilot just turned off the “fasten seat belt” sign and the attendants are moving around getting ready for food/drink service. I think tonight is microwaved hot dog night :). The flight is not too full so I have all three connected seats in my row all to myself. My usual aisle preference (good for stretching your legs into the aisle) is trumped tonight by the breathtaking view out this window. A few thousand feet below us, the clouds are thick like an ocean of bleached white cotton balls. I really haven’t sat and figured it out, but I bet we can see for thousands of miles. At the end of that view, the horizon is boldly colored with fierce orange and pink hues that fade upwardly into the blue and eventually dark of night.
I’m sitting here grinning like a school boy on Christmas Eve. See, it was only 6 weeks ago, yesterday, that nearly this exact same scene played out as I flew from Newark to San Diego for work (today it’s Newark to LA). The sun was setting and I uncannily also had a window seat to watch the marvelous colors over the bed of clouds. It was on that flight that I knew for the first time, exactly when Kristin and I were going to get married (Part 2 below). I can’t wait to share that story with you, but before I do, I’d like to take you back to just before she and I began dating.
PART 1
How we knew we’d get married…before we even started dating
I mentioned here a while back that I hoped to get lunch with you and share with you the amazing story that God is writing. Well, that hasn’t worked out for various reason (mostly because there are a few thousand of you regulars and just one of me – *smirk*)…so I’m getting the courage to actually share the details with you all. These are intimate details of our lives that we hold in high regard. So as much as is possible, please treat them that way.
It was just short of 11 months after Misty died that I first realized I was going to be able to love again. I found myself looking around every corner wondering if this or that attractive girl was someone I should date. I wasn’t sure what to make of these feelings, but before long God spoke to me very clearly and directly. I remember it like yesterday. I was in Richardson TX for work and visiting a church service with a friend of mine from there. The speaker for the evening was the wife of the Pastor. I sat there for over an hour while she delivered one of the most riveting/knowledgeable/biblical sermons I have ever heard in my life. About half way through I felt like God slapped me in the face with a bit of truth I had been missing. It was like He firmly reminded me that I needed to consider who would be perfect for me and for Olivia. And someone that we would be perfect for as well. So it was there, on that trip that I decided to make a list of priorities and committed to pray until God brought the right person into our lives.
My list included some obvious criteria like “she needs to be called to serving in a church” and “she needs to be sold on living in NJ”. It also had some difficult ones like “she has to be strong enough to talk about Misty to Olivia or sit through dinners or events where I speak about her” and “Olivia has to immediately take to her…in a way that is way beyond normal or average”. I had an off the wall request as well…I asked God to bring someone into my life who wasn’t around for the last couple years with Misty…someone from out of town who hadn’t stepped foot in the local churches while they were all praying for Misty. See, I didn’t want anyone who had any preconceived ideas or any thoughts about my being a good husband or anything. I didn’t want to start with anything like that…I just wanted to get to know someone and bring them into that part of my life gradually. I wasn’t looking for someone who might just want to be with me because they knew I’d stick it out to the end with them. Now this was a particularly sticky request seeing that I just asked for someone who was sold out to live in the area. And lastly, I knew that I wanted to be with someone who had an equally traumatic experience in life. I wanted to be able to relate on the most intimate emotional levels and I felt that I had to be with someone who kinda understood where I had been. I know this seems like a crazy list of things, but this is honestly what came into my mind that week as I sought for the things I needed to pray about finding in a person. If you don’t believe me, talk to Dr. Librizzi, my counselor…I let him in on all this pretty early (I’m obviously joking…he won’t talk to you about me, but I really did make this list!).
So I’m praying for these things and one night not too long after, the words just jump off the page to me. It had been right in front of my face all along and I didn’t even see it. My list was Kristin. She had moved back to NJ from CA just weeks after Misty’s memorial service. She wasn’t around for any of it. But she came back because she had a burning desire to be back in NJ near her family. After she was back, she felt compelled to step up and take a leadership role in her church. She was leading a woman’s group and so clearly impacting people in incredible ways. If you were to talk to the girls in her group, none of them would question her gift and calling to ministry. On top of that, Kristin had basically lost her mom at the age of 8 and grew up wishing she knew her mom better. I mentioned this on here before (divine appointment), but when she met Olivia she had a deep desire to help her in some way. After all, Kristin had been there. Also, the first time Olivia met Kristin she asked me to go ride in her car with her (never before had that happened with anyone) and then the next week when seeing her at a public get-together she ran past all the girls she knew much better (including her aunt) and ran to Kristin. This was after meeting her once. Check in that box :) I think I have made my point.
So one night as Olivia and I picked her up and made a Starbucks run after she got home from work (she was a day shift nurse then), we sat in the car as Olivia dozed off and we began to talk about “us” for the first time. I told her that she was exactly the person that I wanted to be with, but there was one problem. I wasn’t really able to “see” her in that light. She was like a sister…not a girlfriend. Her response to me will go down in my all time favorite quotes list. She said: “I feel like God has been telling me I’m going to marry you, but..well…I’m not really always attracted to you either”. We burst out in laughter; probably more from discomfort than amusement. We looked away and sheepishly back at each other not knowing what to say. Finally I weighed in: “OK, this is kinda crazy, I’m going to take a week and fast and pray about this. We’ll talk later.” With that, I began fasting and praying. I took a personal retreat to the White Mountains and it was there that I can say I really felt like I talked with God. Now, I’m not one of those “super-Christians” who will tell you that God told them to look under the seat at Chucky Cheese and they find a $100 bill or anything. In fact, I try to reserve the “God told me” thing as much as possible. But really, I can’t get away from it here. So many times throughout this whole process I have felt like God has really and clearly spoken to me. So there I am, at the end of my hike about to turn around and head back. I’m standing on top of Little Haystack Mountain after coming over the incredibly picturesque Franconia Ridge and there I fall to my knees in tears. Images of my friendship with Kristin pass through my mind as if showing me pieces of the puzzle that I had missed; pieces showing me how the whole thing just fit together in a way I couldn’t have dreamt up. As I kneel there I feel an overwhelming peace and a sense that God is telling me that this whole thing, my friendship and soon-to-be relationship with Kristin, was His doing. Of course over the course of the next month Kristin and I quickly became very attracted to each other. It was as if, once the walls were down, the feelings grew very quickly. Today we are amazed we were “just friends” for so long! We actually met back in February and began just talking about ministry. Soon I was helping her move into her house and hanging out every week. By May, we talked multiple times a week and our friends will tell you that I spoke of her as if I respected her more than anyone I knew. She spoke the same way of me. See, God allowed us to be “just friends” for months so that when he spoke to us about being together, we had a 100% confidence that we knew the other person’s character…and a 100% confidence that it was a character we wanted to be with. I have such an appreciation for the 6 months of friendship we had that was not in any way tainted by infatuation. So, the last week of September brought the beginning of our dating relationship and like I said, before we began we basically knew where we were going.
But here I am today, on another trans-continental flight watching the sun set. Well, by now the sun is down and the only lights are that of a few small cities within view; cities that faintly glow just below the vanished horizon. But I’m remembering a few weeks back when the date of our impending wedding became remarkably clear. Now, I’d like to share that story.
PART 2
How we knew when we were getting married before we were even engaged
Like I said, we had begun the relationship knowing we were going to get married. I tried to take a step back and be slow for the sake of “caution”, but the writing on the wall was too clear. After a few months of dating we approached our counselor about how to know when to get married. We knew that our relationship was, in many ways, on display…so we wanted to set a good example. He first stressed the value of good decision making processes (I’ll write about this soon) but shortly after that he made a bold statement to us that has drastically impacted us. He said: “I have a feeling that God is going to give you a symbol or a sign from the Bible that will clearly show you when to get married”. I’m thinking: “whew, ok buddy…that’s a little weird, but we’ll give it a try…” And so we did. We fasted and prayed for a week and came together to discuss. Unfortunately, I didn’t really feel like I had any “revelations” so I asked Kristin to take another week. She had felt a great peace about a certain month, but I asked her to keep that quiet until we really prayed more about it.
The next day, I was on a flight to San Diego in a scene much like what I experienced just over an hour ago. I opened my Bible and began to read the book of Ruth. Within minutes, tears are streaming from my eyes and I’m hiding my face from the man seated two seats over from me. I bury my face in my Bible and read the story through a few times back to back. See, this story (which by the way is recognized in secular institutions as the “Mona Lisa” of short romance stories) is about someone who lost their spouse…and after grieving that loss, God revealed a new plan. God divinely arranged a new marriage and put all the pieces together. The new couple strove to honor God in their relationship and he blessed them by allowing them a place in the direct lineage of Jesus Christ. WHOA…wait a minute. There’s a story
in the Bible about God not only allowing remarriage, but showing it as clearly arranged and willed by Him. I was blown away by this, but it didn’t stop there. Every few verses I’d find the words jumping off the page. The descriptions of Ruth were exactly the way I’d describe Kristin. And the descriptions of Boaz…well, he was totally the man that I’d want to be and had some characteristics that I feel I’ve worked hard on. If you ever see me with my MacArthur study Bible, ask me to flip through the book of Ruth. I scribbled in ink all through it, coloring each page with notes and revelations. The book is full of comments to remind myself of how I felt when I first read it….to remind myself that for the first time in so long, I felt like God was ordering my steps again. For the first time in way too long, I didn’t have to doubt myself in saying that God really does want what’s best for me and Olivia.
As I read Ruth I knew that somehow this story was what I was looking for. I felt like God was holding my heart closely and painting a picture for me; a picture of him knowing the ways of my life well before I ever walk them. A sense that even in the writing of the Bible, there He was penning a story that I would someday feel was my own. A little research on the book and I find out that every year, on the day of Pentecost, the book of Ruth is read and honored around the world. That was it; the symbol our counselor had told us to wait for. I had no idea when the day of Pentecost was, but I knew there was going to be a wedding on it. When my flight landed in San Diego I pulled out my phone and quickly searched the internet for the date: May 23, 2010. When I got back home I visited Kristin and told her the story and as I told her the date her face lit up. I remember the adorable smirk on her as she nodded and spoke: “Yeah…May was my month. May was totally the only month I really had a peace about”. That’s it…we’re getting married in May. It was remarkable because before that very conversation we had been tossing around dates like October, or maybe as early as August. Never did we think May. But alas, none of these things were really our ideas.
So last Wednesday when I proposed on a flight to Las Vegas…the reason I proposed on a plane wasn’t for shock value (though, we all know I don’t mind that). The reason was because it was there, on a 757 operated by Continental Airlines and traveling from the east coast to the west coast…it was there that God spoke to me about exactly when to get married. So I found it a fitting place for me to eventually give her the ring :)
Engagement
My inbox is bursting with inquiries about the big “Proposal Day”. Yes, it’s true…I’m engaged. I proposed to Kristin wednesday morning with guitar in hand, 35,000 ft above the earth on a flight to Las Vegas. I promised many of you some details so here they are.
Please forgive me as I skip some of the background for now. There are at least three blog entries I’m missing but just haven’t had time to write:
1) How we knew we were going to get married before we started dating
2) How we knew our wedding date before we were even engaged
3) How the heck to date as Christian adults in 2010 (still figuring this one out, but trying really hard)
I do intend to write these in the near future…but for now, let’s stick to the events of Wednesday.
It all started with a slightly over-the-top birthday gift for Kristin. She has some Bette Midler music that she really loves so I figured tickets to see her would be a dream gift. The only place Bette Midler is playing, however, is Las Vegas. So…like any good boyfriend, I figured a day trip to Vegas was the only way to really take care of this problem, right? Now, I know many of you think I’m crazy doing this in a day, but I felt it was wise to avoid the whole overnight/hotel issue since we aren’t married (more on this in “Coming Soon Blog #3″). Now, we had no idea what Bette’s show would be like, but that’s for later in the story. Anyway, the birthday extravaganza turned out to be the perfect cover for my secret proposal plans.
THE DAY
So, Wednesday morning we head out for the airport around 5am. I arranged for our friends Rob and Vanessa Adams to get there early and board the flight before us. Rob and Vanessa (who happen to be a recently married professional Wedding Videography / Photography team) found there seats in the very last row of the 757 and immediately coordinated with the Flight Attendants to allow for the proposal to happen as planned. Kristin and I board and take our seats just 6 or 7 rows up from them. Amazingly, we had the whole back of the plane to ourselves. Shortly after reaching our cruising altitude, the seat belt signs turn off and and I sneak away toward the back of the plane. Rob had carried on my new martin backpacker guitar (purchased for this day..haha) and had it all tuned up for me. A quick check and a clearing of my throat and I was walking up the aisle playing one of our favorite songs: Better Together, by Jack Johnson.
I get to our row and Kristin buries her face in the magazine she was reading. I was thrilled that she was actually surprised. I had written new lyrics to the song; lyrics that captured a bit of what my heart is feeling lately. Rob and Vanessa captured it in video and photos. After the song, there were only a few words and she nodded her head in agreement. I didn’t really get a “yes” but the head shake and the hug basically said it :)
The rest of the flight was great. The four of us were treated like first class by the Flight staff and the conversation seemed to get better and better. My cute lady couldn’t stop looking at her ring…neither could the flight attendants. Oh, and the plane has a HUGE symbolic significance here…you will just have to wait untill “Coming Soon Blog #2″ (sorry) to find out why I did this on a plane.
We hit the ground around 10am in lovely Las Vegas. I had arranged for one of Kristin’s best friends from San Diego (Kristi) to fly in and meet us. Kristi showed up at baggage claim delivering major surprise #2 of the day.
Lunch at Serendipity 3 was great and we were off to hair appointments in one of Vegas’s best salons; Color. We had to get all done up for our engagements pictures, which we spent the majority of the afternoon and early evening doing. I thought it would be fun to do engagement pictures on the actual day we get engaged…and it turned out to be perfect. The idea was to dress as glamorously as the finely appointed hotels we’d be posing in – so Kristin got a new dress out of the deal as well (which she thought was just for a “nice dinner” before the show).
We spent hours a few hours with Rob and Vanessa telling us “ok, look at each other, now kiss, now nose to nose” as we toured incredible hotels and local sites. They are are really masters at pulling great images together and the backdrop was incredible. Outside of the proposal on the plane, perhaps our favorite moment was standing outside the bellagio as it started to drizzle and Kristin and I were dacing to “This Kiss” by Faith Hill. We danced and laughed as the iconic fountains blew off behind us. It was truly an incredible moment.
A quick dinner at Bobby Flay’s Mesa Grill and we were off to see Bette Midler. Unfortunately, the only thing I knew of Bette was her song “God is watching us” and neither of us had any clue what her show would be like. I kinda feel silly having told people I was going to see her, because it turns out that the content of her show wasn’t really something that either Kristin or I enjoyed very much. But regardless, it was a perfect day. We rushed from the show back to the airport to catch an 11pm flight back to east coast.
Anyway, the new One Republic disc just finished playing and my green tea has lost all it’s warmth so it’s time for bed; church starts in a few hours. Goodnight friends. Here is the link to the photo gallery.
(Thanks to Vanessa and Rob, Kristi, Michael, Rachel and Leah, Sarah from Jared in Eatontown, the impressive guys at James Allen, my parents, Jackie and Grandma Lucy for helping pull everything together)
divine appointment
I’m at home tonight and the house is pretty quiet. Olivia is sleeping and Jack Johnson is playing in the background over the blackness of 3am that’s coming through the windows. A small lamp lights half the room enough for me to wade through things that haven’t been touched in nearly 2 years. If you listen really closely you can hear the drops of tears falling on the wooden surface of my dresser top.
I’m going to guess that most of you are reading that expecting my tears to be for things lost. Yes, I have shed many tears for things lost…but tonight my tears aren’t for things lost at all. The tears I cry are out of an overwhelming sense of gratitude for how God is rebuilding my family; for what he is giving us, not what he has taken. See, I’m going through the remainder of Misty’s things and separating out some stuff that I know I want to keep for Olivia. Here’s what gets me though… Only a few days ago, I sat with Kristin (who I have been dating for a few months now) and she told me all the things she knew Olivia was going to really want when she gets older. Kristin, for all intents and purposes, lost her mom at age 8. A massive stroke left her unable to care for herself or even know her family. She grew up with a burning desire to know the character traits, the funny stories, the likes and dislikes, etc. of her mom. She knows exactly what Olivia will be feeling in the coming years. I’m in tears because God has brought someone into my life that could sit with me and tell me from first hand experience what will be most significant for Olivia.
Most people would think that my dating will in some way bury the memory of Misty. How incredible that God puts someone in my life that not only won’t hinder Olivia’s knowledge of Misty, but that will actually facilitate it. This was a prayer of mine. A prayer that God is answering in a way I couldn’t have imagined possible. As I see God’s hand so clearly in my life, I can’t help but be overwhelmed.
There were actually a handful of things that I put out to God as “criteria” for me to start dating. God has answered each of these very unique requests in Kristin and in more than one case, he has answered in a way that is better than I could have even dreamed. I wish I could adequately express how this feels…I guess it’s like, for the first time in many painful seasons; I’m seeing God’s hand so clearly in my life. He is so clearly making a way out of the hell we walked through toward a future of peace and joy for me and Olivia. God has brought someone into our lives that is absolutely perfect for where we are and where we are heading. And on top of that, I’m seeing that we are precisely what Kristin needs as well. And if that weren’t enough…we are totally unequivocally in love :)
I hope that your heart is happy when you read this, but I know that for a few of you this just opens a wound that struck so deeply last September when we lost Misty. I’m so sorry that this brings pain for some of you. God has really done something in my heart to allow me to be where I am right now. I’m so thankful for what he is doing for me and even more so what he is doing for Olivia. God is speaking so clearly lately; I promise to tell you more in the coming weeks.
voice recording at it’s finest
I am not always on top of the little things in life. Like, paying bills, mowing the lawn, or putting gas in my car. A couple days back I had to steal Kristin’s jeep because it has a bit more space than my little golf cart (scion xa). I was helping my brother Justin move into their sweet new condo.
Anyway, Kristin took Olivia for a few hours but they found themselves out of gas stranded in the middle of a Walgreen’s parking lot. Luckily a few friendly folks pushed them into a spot where they decided to play pretend till the cavalry showed up with some unleaded. I’m a huge fan of voice recorders lately. I have 3 and leave them all over so I can record a little audio journal about experiences/ideas/prayers/revelations/etc. Well, Kristin saw the voice recorder in my car and decided to leave us a message. It was too cute to not post for you.
Now, I told her I was going to take a vote on who should be responsible for this mishap…but the truth is, she only drove like 3 miles and I guess I did leave a fat bag of m&ms on the dash covering the gas gauge. I’ll take the blame for this one :)
Listen to the voice message: HERE
PS- on a side note, a voice recorder (one that has a USB port so you can dump the files to your computer) is a really incredible journal tool. I keep one in my car so as I listen to audio books I can take notes without risking my life and typing the thoughts on my blackberry while driving :)
Video from my Zimbabwe Trip!!
I’m excited to finally have a cut of the video to post for you all from this summer’s trip to Zimbabwe. I traveled with Ryan Keith (president of Forgotten Voices) and Steve Pilgrim (video editor extraordinaire). I had the lovely job of shooting the footage. Hope you enjoy it. Oh, and you can give money if you want…they are really great and obviously close to my heart :)
Visit them at http://forgottenvoices.org
thanksgiving
I just read my post from a year ago: from Thanksgiving 2008.
Read it here
Thankful for Cancer
I’m still thankful today for what God has done in the hearts of the people closest to me. We know him in a different – much more real - way. There is a huge tension though as I consider the pain and loss that someone I loved so greatly experienced. It doesn’t seem fair.
There are still so many things that don’t seem fair. While God is blessing me more than I can explain each day, he also rips my heart out on a regular basis. Whether its death of someone I love, stage IV cancer diagnosis for a coworker, major financial struggles for a good friend or the loss of faith in someone I’ve invested so much in trying to encourage…and that’s just this month.
It’s normal for us to feel like questioning God on some of the difficulties we end up walking through. Job did right? He found himself questioning God as he approached the lowest time in his life. Now, to be fair…we all would probably do the same thing if we lost our family, wealth and health. But I love God’s response to him: “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?’ – Wow. For me that’s quite humbling. It brings me right back to the place where I say:
God, no matter what you ask me to walk through, I will praise you. I will be thankful for the provision and blessing in my life, regardless of the trials you let me endure. The joy I have is from you and I am so thankful.
Job 38:1-7 (NLT)
1 Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:
2 “Who is this that questions my wisdom
with such ignorant words?
3 Brace yourself like a man,
because I have some questions for you,
and you must answer them.
4 “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Tell me, if you know so much.
5 Who determined its dimensions
and stretched out the surveying line?
6 What supports its foundations,
and who laid its cornerstone
7 as the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?
Anthem of Hope
It’s been way too long since I have updated everyone. Check out the AOH website for a quick status update.
tree time
Liv and I spent a few hours this afternoon wandering the acres of land at Conover’s Tree Farm in Netpune. We did finally decide on one…and here she is :)
PS…no, we didn’t bring it home. We wait till Dec, then go back and chop it down.
dating?
I have some big news. A number of weeks ago, when I wasn’t expecting it at all, God made a drastic change in my heart. Literally overnight, I went from a place where I could not even imagine myself dating again to a place where my heart felt free to love and remember Misty, but also begin to dream about loving someone else. There was no explanation for how quick this happened. I met again with my counselor again to bounce my feelings off him to make sure I wasn’t crazy. This whole idea wasn’t easy for me to accept at first. After a while though, it seemed so apparent that God, in his timing, had done something uncanny in my heart.
Fast forward to today and through an incredible series of events and revelations, I am dating someone. She and I are committed to loving God, to setting an example of a Godly dating relationship and to honoring Misty and Misty’s legacy as Olivia’s mom. The story of how Kristin and I have begun dating is proving to be fairly incredible. Not more than a few days have passed without my eyes welling up and my heart crying to God in humility. God’s hand in my life is overwhelmingly apparent. Maybe someday over lunch I’ll get to share it with you :)
Anyway, I’m doing well. I wouldn’t have seen this coming…but I’m really happy. I mean, I will never be totally free from the sting of losing someone I loved so dearly, or even worse, the sting of remembering what she went through. But God has changed my heart to be able to love again and the person he has brought into my life right now is incredible. For that, I’m so thankful.
boston in the fall
If you have ever worked with me you know that I am a big fan of professionalism in a product or an event. In college I was in charge of running all the big concerts (like Switchfoot, etc) and I was kinda obsessed with having everything planned out and looking professional. I would invest so much energy into creating a professional image. I remember spending over an hour on signs that were only for the band to know where the bathrooms were..I mean, seriously!!
I’m kinda in my element though this week. I have the privilege of spending the week at Harvard Business School for an executive leadership course. When I arrive on campus, the guard knew who I was and gave me clear directions. A short drive through the campus and I’m met by a group of porters who take my luggage and escort me to registration…then to my room. In my room I find a personalized messenger bad with the Harvard Business School Executive Education logo and all of my course materials neatly inside. Then to the classroom where all the seats have name tags and logo printed usb thumb drives. This was just the beginning, but needless to say I’m feeling comfortable here :)
Anyway, I’m away for the week…surrounded by 96 other leaders from 36 countries around the world. So for 6 days we are in sessions or meals together from 7:30am till late in the evening when I collapse in my room and try to prepare for the next day by reading all the case studies and such. So if I ignore your email this week, I’m sorry :) Be back soon.
