christianese please
Misty and I were in church a few years back and she overheard a rather interesting conversation. A woman who was new to the church was opening up to the lady next to her. She was confiding in her about some very serious issues…things that would break my heart to hear. At the end of the listening session, the recipient gave what seemed to be an obligatory solace: “God’s grace is sufficient.” Misty recalls being completely offended by the lack of interest that this church member exhibited for her hurting pew neighbor.
Now…there is nothing wrong with the phrase “God’s grace is sufficient” – frankly, I don’t think it means much of anything to a person who has not had some time to settle in with the usual christianese that we church-goers speak…but nevertheless, it is a true statement. But the frustrating part was that this woman rattled off this cliche, without at all caring about the life story she was being entrusted with. This is a crime. When a person chooses to open up to you, take it seriously. We need to start actually being a positive influence in this world rather than propagating this cold, elitist mentality that we are all too well used to…
I’m writing this because I feel like we are out of the “hurting” stage and I’m reflecting back onto those days that seemed like the world was on my shoulders. Yes, it is true….I do get stressed at times. I know its hard for you to accept (not as hard as it was for ME to accept!) but there have been times during this ordeal that have taken their toll (*smirk*). Well, in the middle of those times I have had some people give me standard christian responses and it was maddening. I had a guy my age rattle off a couple Bible verses to me shortly after Misty was rediagnosed with cancer back in early 2007. I gave a response something to the effect that I knew the scriptures but I still was a bit scared and hurting. Then he came back with some line about how I just needed to trust God more. Like, I was able to magically say, “Ok, my wife just got stamped with a death sentence by doctors I have regarded all my life, but I feel great about it.” It doesn’t work that way. It took time. All I wanted was “I’m so sorry…I have no idea what you must be going through”. But instead, his quick response really said “I know what it’s like to be in your shoes. Your problems aren’t a big deal. I don’t care about you. Oh, and…Look at me, I know Bible verses.”
When someone is grieving, don’t preach to them. Hurting people don’t need to be preached to….they just need to be listened to and loved. We need to be the manifestation of God’s love to this world. And if you are dealing wih someone who hasn’t grown up in the church…at all costs, leave the cliches at home. Like I said, Misty and I are coming out of that hurting stage, so we don’t need anything outselves. But there are a lot of people around you each day who are hurting. Do something to say I love you without saying anything at all.
PS…Please don’t get self-conscious if you have sent a card with a Bible verse…that’s not the point. The Bible has been very encouraging to us and one of the best gifts I ever got was a simple print out of significant, relevant Bible verses. That gift said “I care about you and I took time to find scriptures that might encourage you” rather than “You are messing up by hurting over this. “ It’s all about the attitude.
PSS…As hoped, today was much better than yesterday. Misty only felt a little sick today. Napped a lot, but ate well. Her MRI is on Monday, so let’s pray for wonderful results.
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Refreshing…that was just so refreshing!! Thank you for keeping it honest…
loving you guys always,
Keri
On my way to church…. may I keep your words in my heart. Forgive me if I’ve ever been guilty of this with you or Misty. I love you both and you are never more than a thought away.
Yvonne
Thank you for this!
This is exactly the kind of attitudes I have been feeling the need to target in my recent rants on Splenda. The standard Sunday school responses that we hear way too often. Thank you for this because this is just confirmation that it definitely is something worth discussion and the wrong kind of approach/style.
Also, kudos awarded for ‘Christianese’ I like that word, can I ‘borrow’ and use it?
Thank you for your website and always keeping it uplifting, I love it.
-Splenda
Hi
I’ve reading about your trek with a terrible disease attacking your wife. My husband was diagnosed with MS in his early 30’s, however the first diagnosis was Lou Gerhig’s disease. We had 3 children at the time.
I wish I’d know Jesus at the time. We were devout Chatholics.
Long story short He found us but we suffered with many giving Christian comment with little understanding.
You are a very special person in my eyes. I’ll keep praying for you and your family. I’m sure that’s what supported my family.
Midge
PS we made 50 yrs together and I’m believing the same for you. I know the rold of caregiver well.
Dear Darren and Misty,
Well spoken! Christians mean well but need to follow
Christ’s example of preaching less and loving more.
Please be assured of our love and prayers. We think of
you both daily and long to see God do a miracle in your
lives.
Paul and Eleanor
Couldn’t have said it better myself :)
::hug::
Dear Brother and Sister in Christ,
I’m sure you don’t know me, and really, I don’t know you. But, when I heard of your trials I began to fervently pray. You are being lifted up in many places. At our mon. am prayer time, at our bible study on tues., in our life group on thurs., in our special prayer time on tues. you are brought before our Lord. And I must say that when I can’t sleep you are all lifted up in the middle of the night.
I saw you once. You were up at the alter with P. Wes. A beautiful family. You have so touched my heart. Blessings, mercy, strength, and most of all, healing to you.
Lorraine
i’m so glad that you were totally honest about feeling that way…when i was dealing with everything with my mom i felt like that a lot…and everyone that i tried to talk to answered me with the same thing. It’s so true, when you’re grieving or just hurting in general being preached to is not what is needed. I love you guys and not a day goes by that i don’t think about and pray for you!
yoda