lonely may
Last night marked the 8 month anniversary of the day Misty died. It’s been two thirds of a year, and I miss her. On Mothers day, I wrote about a bit of depression I was going through. Well, I’d venture to say I have had a few nights since that were in the same realm. This isn’t an ambiguous, unidentifiable depression…these roots are clear…they are birthed in loneliness.
In talking with a friend tonight on the phone, it became so very clear that she was feeling the pressure of a stigma, all too popular in Christian circles. That is:
You shouldn’t ever be lonely because God will fill your needs.
That idea really doesn’t work for me. Does the “God will fill your needs” concept work in every area of life? Like, “You shouldn’t ever be out of shape, because God will fill your needs”? Obviously not…that would be an asinine idea. But why is that idea so obviously wrong with physical needs, but not emotional needs. This is the same reason many people stay away from the field of mental health. We treat an ear infection the day it comes on, but struggle with depression for years without even talking to anyone.
Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I want to be very clear. God could very easily fix someone’s emotional issue, just as he could very easily make my body to be in shape (even though I am far from that). But like the silliness of expecting God to tone my body without work on my part, I think it’s also silly to expect him to fix every emotional issue I have, without work on my part.
So yes, I am in some aspects a bit lonely. And it’s fairly upsetting to me, that others I know in a similar situation, add guilt to their normal montage of already crazy daily emotions because they are convinced that they are wrong for being lonely.
So when I identified this obvious thread in my life, the symptoms were blatant.
- Finding old friends to reconnect for lunch or just on Facebook
- I’m pretty sure I freaked out a few people, calling them after a decade or so. Especially the girls…)
- Buying a few nice new pieces for my camera gear arsenal
- This is an investment….yes, I really do believe it :)
I found a teaching outline online that covered loneliness by a Bible College professor. He listed “loss of a spouse” as a potential cause for loneliness, so I think we are talking apples to apples here, and this is some of the verbiage he used:
- Loneliness is a choice
- Christian couch potatoes are transplanted not planted
- God designed it that way so we would seek fellowship among other believers because even if you do not feel it, you are part of the greater body of Christ and you have a purpose.
- Loneliness is Self-Centeredness
- Lonely people crawl into the “woe is me” syndrome and stay there.
- They tend to use other people to feed their sympathy ego.
I kinda chuckled when I read his material. It was so not relevant to me…but I wasn’t at all offended. Misty was my best friend for 13 years. We had a human relationship that no one can replace…and that’s ok. I will miss her forever. Lately, that missing has made me slightly depressed, but I’m not staying there. Nurturing healthy relationships with peers and a renewed focus on God provide a solid starting point for growth.
But this post isn’t about me. It’s about those of you who are lonely. I just wanted you to know that I am too…but ‘m not sticking around for long.
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Darren, this is very well put. :) keep it up.
Thank you. I needed that.
i spent years feeling judged by the Christians around me for battling depression. it seemed like if only i prayed harder or did something different, God would help me. it made me feel like an awful Christian and made depression even harder to deal with. thanks for your honesty, darren.
they sin who tell us love can die
with life all other passions fly
all others are but vanity.
love is indestructible
its holy flame forever burneth
from heaven it came, to heaven returneth.
it soweth HERE with toil and care
but the harvest time of love is THERE.
Darren – thank you for this post. I at times feel lonely and depressed, and always thought no one understood. This showed me that I’m not the only one!
Darren, you are normal to be lonely. All that you are feeling is normal and it is OK to feel the feelings. Thanks for sharing honestly and letting others get a glimpse into your feelings.
My thoughts toward Christians who say God fills all our needs (I have been guilty of this) is: When God created Adam in the garden, which btw was good, absent from sin, no suitable helpmate for Adam was found and he was alone…So GOD Created woman!!! If God alone could meet Adam’s needs why did He make Eve? Another interesting thought is that God created Adam with a need for Eve!! I believe God made us for a dependence on each other because this dependence on others mirrors our need for God. So to all the “lonlies” out there: God was able to find for Adam a suitable mate…He can do the same for all of you. Thanks Darren for your transparency!
As someone who has suffered from clinical depression almost her entire life, I sort of understand where that Bible study is coming from, but quite frankly, it’s extreme and unhelpful. God created us as feeling creatures, it’s OK to feel. To let it control your life is not. In my experience, the key has been to be aware when the sadness happens (which takes practice), explore the cause in whatever way suits me, get it out of my system and move on with my day.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and pray for your family.
You amaze me.
You seriously amaze me.
Of course you are lonely. You are human. You suffered a tremendous loss. Of course you get down, you feel depressed at times. Who wouldn’t in your shoes. That doesn’t make you less of a Christian.
I love you.
Thank you for sharing this Darren.Loneliness after the death of a loved one is normal and it is okay to pour out these feelings to God and a dear understanding believing friend. We all go through the ups and downs of life. That is why He gave us each other, to help one another through life’s storms and trials.
Thank you so much for putting a voice to what so many of us may be thinking or feeling but are afraid to say or express. May God richly bless you and Liv and grant you His mercies and grace afresh with each new dawn.
I deeply appreciate you!