Darren LeBlanc

I am not always on top of the little things in life. Like, paying bills, mowing the lawn, or putting gas in my car. A couple days back I had to steal Kristin’s jeep because it has a bit more space than my little golf cart (scion xa). I was helping my brother Justin move into their sweet new condo.

Anyway, Kristin took Olivia for a few hours but they found themselves out of gas stranded in the middle of a Walgreen’s parking lot. Luckily a few friendly folks pushed them into a spot where they decided to play pretend till the cavalry showed up with some unleaded. I’m a huge fan of voice recorders lately. I have 3 and leave them all over so I can record a little audio journal about experiences/ideas/prayers/revelations/etc. Well, Kristin saw the voice recorder in my car and decided to leave us a message. It was too cute to not post for you.

Now, I told her I was going to take a vote on who should be responsible for this mishap…but the truth is, she only drove like 3 miles and I guess I did leave a fat bag of m&ms on the dash covering the gas gauge. I’ll take the blame for this one :)

Listen to the voice message: HERE

PS- on a side note, a voice recorder (one that has a USB port so you can dump the files to your computer) is a really incredible journal tool. I keep one in my car so as I listen to audio books I can take notes without risking my life and typing the thoughts on my blackberry while driving :)

Dear Misty,
My pen somewhat betrays me tonight. My heart overflows with words, but none seem to express the gravity with which my heart is burdened. I have wrestled with searching for perfect eloquence in my words here, but I am afraid I’ll fail miserably. I know you don’t care though about eloquence…Thanks for always loving me through my strengths and my weaknesses. So after hours of a blank page…I’m going to just write.

In fact, “Thanks” is basically what I need to say here. Let’s start with thanks for being my best friend for 13 years. You walked with me through everything and you never once turned your back on me. The dedication with which you loved me and eventually Olivia was absolutely astonishing. Thanks for putting up with me and even loving me when I put other things (like ministry) in front of our relationship. You were so gracious.

Thanks for sharing everything with me, keeping our relationship so open and healthy. For making me talk about issues even when my weakness had me wanting to simply fall asleep and deal with it another day. You taught me what healthy communication is. I’m still getting better at this and I remember your example often.

Thanks for being strong enough and wise enough to speak into my life and to sharpen me through the years. I loved how you were so discerning and full of wisdom. I have few people in my life who are always honest with me and challenge me. You were always that.

Thanks for holding onto your faith until the end. I still talk of how you looked at the face of death and barely blinked. Your turned your eyes to Jesus and focused on him through absolutely devastating circumstances. Just this week I was telling the story of how I approached you with news from the doctor that he thought you only had 2 weeks to live. I can see it like it was yesterday. You cried one tear and looked up staring me in the eye. “You’re just trusting God?” I timidly asked…and you nodded in affirmation. Your strength and faith in God was astounding.

I wish you could read the emails and letters I have from hundreds of people across this globe. Stories of radical transformation in lives and in families as people turned to Jesus because of the example of faith that you set. Stories upon stories of lives changed and relationships restored. You are a hero to thousands. I wish you could know how over 10,000 people a day were reading your story on our blog. Your life has been such an influence…but not just to the blog world; also to our family. Those closest to us are changed forever and I believe for the better. Not the least of which is me. I’m sitting here in a pool of tears because I know there is no way that I can repay you for what you have given to me. You helped shape my faith and my life….and you did it willingly, even when it took you through incredible suffering. I have nothing to even come close to expressing my humility here. I’m so incredibly sorry for what you went through. How you willingly, not voluntarily, but willingly walked into the arms of Jesus still trusting him. I’m brokenhearted today…not for my loss, but because someone I love so greatly paid such a steep price for the benefit of so many. Many you don’t even know.

Before I go I have to tell you a little about what’s going on…
 
Olivia and I talk about you often. Lately, she has been making up stories about how Mommy comes down from Heaven and plays with her or watches her sleep and then goes back. She misses you. She misses you but I can’t even explain how incredible she is. She is sensitive, loving, smart and already pretty darn funny. She is exactly like you.  Thank you for giving her to me. I will never drop the ball on caring for her. She has my heart.

Things with Anthem of Hope are going well. The first CD is almost done and we decided to do a journal that goes with it (which is totally written, just working on the layout). I had hoped to have it out by the end of summer…but you know how I get a little over ambitious. I’m working on that. We are only a few weeks away from finishing the AoH recording studio we just built. It’s totally pro and we should be started on the Worship CD pretty soon.

I kinda have some big news too. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be heading to seminary. The mantle that God has put on me with Anthem of Hope is really stretching me to get smart about the Bible. For me to do this right I feel like I have to go get a serious seminary degree. Not sure of the details on that yet…but I’m pretty sure its coming.

I’m doing well Mist. This year has been pretty rough at times, but I feel like God has been carrying me. In fact, just this week I sat in my office and cried for 20 minutes during lunch as I listened to a Leeland song. Here is the first few words:

Carry Me on Your Back
Even heroes fall down
And mountains won’t last forever
But Your promise never fails

When the ocean is raging
I find stillness in Your presence
And I lift my voice to say
‘Jesus take me away!

[CHORUS]
Carry me on your back
Through the storm, Lord!
Carry me on your back
Through the storm, Lord!

Seriously, you should get it on iTunes. Well worth it.

I want you to know that Olivia and I are happy. She is my highest priority and I am doing the best I can with her. I think we are doing well. Mist, God is really healing my heart. A month or two ago, God took away the loneliness that had bound me for months after you left. It was like he overnight replaced it with a fulfillment in him. Things are good now. I have been reading the Bible and praying more than ever in my life. I feel like I hear from God and I’m walking in his plan.

I’m so sorry for not posting your index cards online. It was hard for me at first to do those and I let it slip through the cracks. I have no real excuse for this and I’m kinda ashamed I let it slip. There are lots of people who could have benefited from these. I’m not going to throw in the towel though. I have been working this week on http://mistyleblanc.com and I intend to launch it in the near future. I’m excited about it.

I still have the bottle of anointing oil we always used in our house to pray for you. With it remain burning questions of why God didn’t seem to live up to his word. (i.e. James 5:14-15) I’m not through with that. Like I said, I’m planning a 3 year excursion to Seminary where I can wrestle with God and hopefully draw closer to an understanding of the Bible and what it says about what you walked through. I’m somewhat intimidated to do this….I know it’s right though.

Anyway, it’s almost 4am and you’d be yelling at me to get to bed. So I’m gonna do that. I have to recap something though: I want to say this so clearly and loudly…I am who I am, the man, the father, the leader, the Christian, the servant…I am that because of you. God has used you to make me radically different than what I would have been without you. I owe you a debt that I cannot repay.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I esteem you so highly…

love,
Darren

Olivia and I have had some good times lately:

Last week, we went to the Cole Bros Circus with Olivia’s best friends Violet and Lyla (and their parents, who happen to be my best friends, Scott and Ann). Some of you who frequent my twitter page or my facebook will recall a lovely commentary on some thrilling events. First, I decide to risk the $6 on an unproven fresh lemonade provider. Now, in the past this has proven problematic as  I have had to deal with lemonade that tastes like metal, plastic and even medicine. But we decide to risk it as this is a pretty “classy” event compared to the local town fairs.  The lemonade isn’t bad so we make our way to the seats (which turn out to be the ghetto cram-them-in section when 200 people fit on a small set of bleachers. Thats what I get for using cupons.

I’m about 30% through my 32oz cup of lemonade priced like gold and I spill this entire drink down the back of the woman in front of me. Her first reaction was profanity…it just came out. but she quickly gained her composure and she was incredibly gracious. I apologized for like 10 minutes and we were on our way.

Next,  as I am turned to help Olivia with something this family slides in so close that the man literally sits his butt cheek down on the edge of my plate. Now, I’m turned around facing sideways and I have to reach my hand around to get my plate out. I literally touched his butt trying to get my plate. He didn’t bat an eye. I couldn’t believe it.

Regardless, Olivia loved it. It was fun.

Then tonight I took her out for a late night Starbucks run. We sat there and shared a Soy Milk Steamer. I had the big cup and she had a small cup with some pured in. This was her mommy’s favorite drink there, so its somewhat of a sentimental beverage :) Afterwards we walked around red bank till it was time for bed. I’m just in love with spending time with her.

But as we sat there in starbucks I began to remember all the times Misty and I visited there….the same place in downtown Red Bank. Truth be told, Misty’s first love was coffee but as she got sick we decided to cut out the caffeine. So we moved to the soy steamers. And she would sit in the car while I ran in and got us drinks. Then we’d drive around with nothing to do and everything to hope for.  A lot has changed since then… 

It’s just a few weeks till the 1 yr anniversary of Misty meeting Jesus in person. I’m looking forward to blogging on that day…there is still so much to say.

For now, I have to get back to work. I have some shopping I have to do for the AoH studio.

—

ok, so I was just about to hit send on this and I look over and just outside my sliding glass doors, there is a huge (biggest I’ve seen) oppossum on my desk rummaging through my garbage. Just last week I tweeted about how I walked out the front door and found a skunk on my front steps. This is not supposed to happen in suburban NJ. Oh well…

It’s 3:30am and I’m sitting down to blog. What does this mean for you? Well…it means that I’m not typing the “missing blog” entry tonight. I need a few hours for that one. Soon…

But I had a lovely adventure with my girl today. After church we went to Sandy Hook and visit the Fort Hancock area as well as some of the beaches. Check out the gallery.

If I were to be honest, I’d have to confess that this has not been my best week. And while this blog hasn’t been the gut-spilling venue that it was this time last year, I am still very much compelled to present the naked truth, as I call it. So I will.

I have been depressed for a few days. I got back from vacation with Olivia late Tuesday night and started work Wednesday morning. These past three days have been perhaps the least productive days of my recent few years. I would stare at my computer in work just wishing the day were over (this started at about 10am)….and I have no energy to stay up past Olivia’s bedtime to work on anything else, like Anthem of Hope. I would prefer McDonald’s to just about anything under the sun, except chocolate (yes, I eat my feelings as well).  Now, there is nothing anyone can do here….I’m not looking for anything. I’m really just making sure it is clear that I’m not superman. Sometimes I get accused of that…or at least of playing him on a blog. And for the record, if this continued I’d see a counselor, as I recommend any of us should. BUT, its not, I’m fine today :)

Well, mostly fine. I’m not depressed….but I do miss Misty. And contrary to popular belief it has nothing to do with Mothers Day, or anything else. It’s just been 8 months since I held my best friend in my arms. And a handful of months more since she was well enough to reciprocate much affection back to me. I just burn to be with her.

Today however, was really lovely. I did get to visit my mother and my mother-in-law (both of whom, I am unable to imagine life now without – they are huge parts of day to day life with Olivia – Happy Mothers Day!!), but Liv and I also took a trip over to Monmouth Memorial Park to visit Misty…or her grave, however you prefer. Misty’s life was a fairly unique journey and I think her funeral/memorial service was quite unique as well. In keeping with that, I really wanted to make her cemetery marker equally unique so I searched for months to find the right place to have it custom made. I’m pretty happy with the way it came out. Olivia was happy to see Mommy’s picture on the stone and she got down to touch her face when we first got there. I asked her if she wanted to say anything to Mommy:

“We miss you Mommy”
“I miss you so much”
“I love you, Mommy”

then, turning to me…

“Mommy’s not sick anymore…she’s happy”

Yes, yes she is my dear.

If you want to visit the photo gallery, click HERE or click the picture below.

 Lastly, I also have to wish a Happy Mothers Day to Ann Parker…who with my mom and my mother-in-law share responsibilities for watching Olivia when I’m at work. I’m so incredible blessed to have 3 women/mothers that I trust with my life being part of Olivia’s life each week.

PS: mistyleblanc.com isn’t made yet….but someday it will be.

I took a break. It was in some ways, the first break I have had in quite a while. It was nice.

Olivia and I went out to San Francisco to visit my cousin Chad and his wife Shawna. I turned off the blackberry, ignored email and basically left my phone in the bag. Despite some pretty bad weather (especially for May in San Francisco) we had an incredible time. Here are a few anecdotes:

FLIGHT
The flight out was Olivia’s first flight. She did great for the whole first 5 hours and 35 minutes. The last 20 minutes had her a little upset with the normal ear pressure issues. “Daddy, I have to get out of here before my ears pop!”

RAIN
It rained everyday we were there, which from what I’m told is very unlikely for this time of year. Strangely enough though, it seemed that the rain just worked out perfectly, we did mostly everything we would have wanted to do….EXCEPT, take great pictures of the city (i occasionally moonlight as a photographer…haha). And to be honest, that was probably a blessing as well. Instead of my incessant shooting, I actually did a bit of relaxing. We also got to visit some great places, like the Bay Area Discovery Museum and the new Academy of Sciences. The rain broke long enough each day for aus to visit a park, or take a nice hike as well.

FRIEND #1
Olivia’s first friend of the trip was definitely baxter (the dog). She is in love with animals and took to him pretty quickly since he is markedly less moody than our dear marmalade (the cat). The highlight of most days was getting to walk “baxtah”.

JAPANESE TEA GARDEN
The rain broke just long enough for us to walk through the Japanese Tea Gardens in Golden Gate Park. We had Jasmine tea and hot chocolate together. Well, my little girl decides to pick up the tea pot and pour a glass of tea while I was taking this first picture. Then as I was cleaning it up, she managed to spill the hot chocolate all over herself. After the delectable  cocoa when down her front we actually just looked at each other and laughed.  

Napa Valley
After the tea incident, we got in the car and just drove. She napped in her car seat while I toured the american wine county….or at least drove its roads. Here is one I snapped from the car while my little lady was snoring (she does that often in car seats).

FRIEND #2
When we got to the airport we were greeted with a lovely 3 hour delay. Well, thank God that we ran into this lovely family from CT that was on our flight. Their little 4 year old and Olivia became best friends and played for hours in the airport. Then they couldn’t stop visiting each other on the plan. It was quite cute.

Anyway, I’m back now….but kinda wishing I could “vacate” for a little longer. You could tell my brain was still on vacation today… I’m not sure I have ever had such an unproductive day at work :)

Thanks so much to my cousins, Chad and Shawna!
Chad works for Apple by day, and is a time lapse photographer  and a wine maker by night. Shawna is a respected Life coach and a beautiful expectant mother!

• http://chadrichard.typepad.com/timelapse
• http://lifestepscoaching.com
• http://furthermorewines.com

By the way, you can visit the full gallery HERE. I added captions so it all makes sense. But in case you don’t feel like loading another page, here are a couple more pictures…

Sorry for my lack of posting this week. Was kinda busy down in atlanta speaking at a conference. Today though is a great day and I just wanted to tell everyone…

Olivia and I are sitting on a plan about to take off for San Francisco. We are visiting family for a few days. You’ll see pictures soon. Ok, “the cabin doors are shut” gotta turn the phone.

There are a variety of reasons I hate hotels.

1. They never get my pillow right. The ones they call firm, are nothing like the pillow I use that is as flat as your grandpa’s butt cushion on the rocker. I have been using it since I was like 13, come on now.
2. They have terrible internet connections. This has been mitigated since my built in verizon card got installed in my work computer, but its still not home sweet comcast.
3. The irons always have black marks on them. I don’t know about you…but this freaks me out. I’m terrified of leaving black marks on my shirt minutes before I have to head to an important meeting.
4. You have a random person wading through your clothes on the floor to make your bed each day…Awkward, a bit? (i do the “do not disturb” basically 24×7 now though)

But the biggest reason of all…I don’t have Olivia to wake me up in the morning with her bubbly, attention demanding, personality: “I’M AWAKE…I’M AWAKE DADDY”

—On a side note, today was nice. Took liv to dinner, then Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory to get her a little somethin somethin for the sweet tooth (i’m pretty sure she has more than one). Then we quickly packed my bag and headed over her mema’s house where we hopped in the hot tub for 10 minutes in the rain…the temperature was like 98 degrees…please no emails about kids in hot tubs :) I left my girl there around bedtime and shot up here to MA for an 8am meeting tomorrow. Which means its time for bed.

On a side note…is anyone selling a 3 or 4 bedroom house in or near Monmouth county…with a basement? I’m seriously thinking it might be time to move. I need to relocate the anthem of hope office out of my living room…and the photography studio out of my dining room :)

***** NOTE: I deleted the adjective “weird” from the random person cleaning my room. I had no intention to say a person with this job is at all weird. I intended to say that the very idea of someoneyou have never met cleaning up after you is quite weird. I apologize for the unintentional offense.

We finally pulled the trigger. Livi got bangs! It went well thanks to Heather’s brilliant lollipop distraction method…oh and her favorite show Word World on in the background :)

Well, my little lady is just loving her new Flower Girl title. Tonight, we met up with some of the bridal party from Vanessa Joy’s wedding at an unnamed bridal store (I’d mention the name, but then I’d have to tell you how horrible they were to Vanessa tonight, and I’m not in the mood for that type of post).

I helped her get her dress on and she ran around the store like she owned the place. She kept saying “I like my dress…I like my dress”.  Anyway, I hope you enjoy the pictures. Just click the image below to visit the gallery:

On a totally different note, today Olivia dropped a new one on me. Driving home from the dress fitting, she said “I want Mommy back.” She has never said that…I mean, we have talked about Mommy a lot, but I don’t think she has ever said that. At the end, she was ok with knowing that we would see mommy someday. In a very unusual state of affairs, she had talked me into tears, but she herself was quite alright :)